I read a
report today on the Guardian Facebook page about alternatives to Alcoholics
Anonymous. There was a quote that read “During my 14 years in AA, I saw people
come and go largely for two reasons: either they “couldn’t get the God bit”, or
they couldn’t maintain the abstinence. I'm sad to say that the "couldn't
get the God bit" is often used as a way out for alcoholics who don't want
to quit but have gone along to appease family or friends.
My
ex-wife cited that as her reason for not going after one meeting. She said she
would "quit on my own" and didn't need help, that I didn't need to
worry as she "would never drink again." I swore my trust to her, said
that I would support any decision she made and that I believed in her.
Unfortunately,
it was all a ruse to hide her drinking further. She secluded herself, blaming
any drunken behaviours on her medication (which she wasn't taking). After
months of total confusion and self-doubt on my part, as well as many, many
arguments where she would get so angry about anything and everything I was
doing, or not doing, the fateful day came. We had an argument which resulted in
her going to bed without saying a word. When I went to go to bed, she was laid out
across the bed so I couldn't get in. I didn't want to wake her and cause
another argument, so I went to the living room to set up the airbed. When I
opened the wooden chest to get the airbed out, I found her booze stash, as well
as months of receipts that were for corresponding days showing litre bottles of
vodka on each.
The next
day, I had to confront her about it. This was the hardest conversation I'd ever
had, during which, she still denied to my face that she was drinking. Over the
next few weeks, I made arrangements to move back to my parents house. Then, on
one particular day, she seemed brighter. She asked if I wanted dinner, as she
was making our favourite snacks. I said yes, thank you and told her I loved
her. She said she would call through when it was ready. An hour passed by and I
hadn't heard her call. So, I went through to see what was happening. I found my
dinner left in the kitchen, cold. I then spotted her dinner bowl left in the
middle of the dining room floor. I looked into the living room, where I found
her slumped in the armchair. She wouldn't respond to my calling her name for
about 2 minutes.
Eventually,
after asking her again what was wrong, she said "I want to kill
myself". I explained that I didn't want her to do that and that I didn't
think she really wanted to either. I calmly told her that I would remove the
medication that was stockpiled next to the chair, so she couldn't overdose. At
which point, she flipped completely, going from sedated to manic in a
heartbeat. She attacked me, hitting and scratching, screaming at me to give it
back. In the end, I did so, as I didn't want to hurt her or have her hurt me.
She then threw open the front door and told me to "Get the f**k out of MY
flat!". I calmly said that it was our home and I wasn't leaving, so she
attacked again, more ferociously this time. I quickly realised I had to assert
myself and moved us to the bedroom, where I threw her off me and onto the bed,
a soft landing place. I told her we needed to calm down and talk like adults,
somehow getting her to agree. She went and shut herself back in the living
room, while I blocked myself in my mancave. Fearing she might do something
stupid, I phoned the police, who arrived quickly. They could get no response
from her for an hour, while I tried to get in touch with her mum, at their
request. Eventually, her mum arrived and she spoke to her. The officer informed
me that, if her mum hadn't come round, they would've invoked the mental health
act. I was then told to pack up a bag, as they would be taking me to my parents
house for "my own safety".
In the
following 3 months, she contacted me regularly, saying she was getting help and
had not drunk since. She would drive to my parents house to visit me, but would
be stinking of alcohol when she did so. It then got reported that she was
pulled over for drink driving and had her license taken away. She also lost her
job because of it all.
I have
also suffered panic attacks, severe anxiety and depression as a result. I have
also since lost my job, because there were a lot of reminders of our situation
in my day to day work and I couldn't face it.
The
bottom line is this. Alcoholism doesn't just affect the addicted, it destroys
whole families, tortures those who live with it daily and ruins lives. I write
this in the hope that my experiences will help someone else who may be going
through it, to know that there is help out there and to know that you are not
weak for walking away. In fact, you are stronger than you know, because you
cannot help someone who will not help themselves, no matter how hard you try.
The best thing you can do is save yourself, hope and pray that, one day, the
person you care about will realise they have an addiction and, if needs be,
stay in contact with the persons relatives, letting them know you didn't
abandon the person.
Above all
else, know that you are not alone.
Rich
Rich
